That him was an illusion and I think the me that I was being in the beginning was a bit of a role and illusion too (i think i was auditioning for the part) Every time I answered the phone or opened the door I was hoping that he was going to be someone else but it was still the self-absorbed, me me me, arse clown that I had come to know and feel disdain for and I was pissed because that???s not who